Hawaii's tourism attractions has been making a lot of money for our state, however, all attractions had been covering up a lot of the natural beauty of our islands and it's culture. I know I love going to the beach, and climbing up moutains to see the scenery. But sometimes I just see buildings. What's said to be some magical island get away, Hawaii isn't that different from the mainland. In fact, we're getting worse. So what we need to do now is make sure we keep a limit to the attractions that hides our islands true self.
Obviously, the most popular tourist attraction is the gorgeous beaches. Now days, it's getting over crowded where nobody can relax. For example, Waikiki beach is getting amazingly crowded. Ninety-Five percent of locals say that they prefer beaches that are peaceful, without the commotion. Also, with all these tourists on the beach, a bunch of trash is always left behind. Not everyone is responsible. Furthermore, with all these attractions on the beach, some tourists forget about the true beauty of the beaches here. There are bunches of posters and stands advertisements, most people get distracted.
Secondly, when attracting more and more people to Hawaii, it's going to be hard for us to make a living. When there's more and more people living in one area, there won't be that much space left and to find a property space will be expensive. Another thing is that prices of the simple things at the stores will rise. With all these new people, most items will be wanted more so stores need to import costing us a little more money. Even though it's only a little bit of extra money, the price will add up to great amounts.
Lastly, most tourist don't know whats traditional in Hawaii and what's not. Well, there's different hula interpretations. Some people see posters of people dancing in grass skirts and it they think its only hawaiian. Truth is, it can be most of the Polynesians who dance and dress similar. Each way is still different though. Also, our music has been expressed moderately and different. For example, hula is now using more upbeat music. Traditional hula will mainly use ipu's. The ukulele didn't even originate from Hawaii. Now days people think the ukulele is all Hawaiian when really its not. Locals sometimes get offended by this.
In conclusion, all these tourist attractions are covering who Hawaii really is. We should try keep traditions going and limit all the attractions. Hawaii just isn't the same without the culture and scenery.
Hey Taylor!
ReplyDeleteWhat I like from your draft is the type of style you writing in. The way you write is like your talking stories with someone. For example, "I know I love going to the beach, and climbing up moutains to see the scenery. But sometimes I just see buildings...." all the way to the end of the paragraph. It makes it easy for the reader to read. From that they can really understand your thesis. But then there are a few minor grammar mistakes like ". Now (a) days..." and changing things from 'is' to 'are'. Little things. But then it would be nice and beneficial to the reader if you included more facts. Good job and good luck!
~Totz!
ReplyDeleteI like how your talking from your perspective and still add facts. For example: For example, Waikiki beach is getting amazingly crowded. Ninety-Five percent of locals say that they prefer beaches that are peaceful, without the commotion. I really liked your thesis because it's straight and to the point, and also leads right into your essay! One thing I prefer you to do is check your grammer just like Adara said. One of the grammar mistakes I found was "always left behind". I think you should add the word "getting" between (always and left). Either than that... your essay sounds really smooth and well written! GOOD JOB! AND GOOD LUCK!
Hi Taylor,
ReplyDeleteYou have a pretty good argument here, about the disadvantages of tourism. I think it could be more strongly organized. You have two arguments: scenery and culture. The paragraph that talks about making a living doesn't seem to fit. I would recommend concentrating on the other two. There should also be more specific support about how the culture is being ignored or transformed in a negative way.
As Adara pointed out, very accurately, there are agreement errors (she point to the "is" and "are" errors). Be sure to correct them. You can come in if you need help with that.
Good start...good luck on the final :)
mrs s