It was five in the morning and I stretched my arms and legs as far as it can go while making a huge yawning noise. As I struggled getting out of bed, I walked into the living room where my mom and dad were getting the fishing poles lined up, making spam musubi's, and packing all our close. Today was going to be the first day I went to portlock.
All our faces still appeared dead. But we all piled into the car and headed off. I remember when we were driving there, I was just about to sleep in the car when suddenly the car comes to a stop in a caldasack. I stepped out and all I saw was houses and a bunch of trees next to them. During this time, the sun came out but it was still dull. We had all our equpiment and gear ready to go. I remember asking my dad "where's the beach?" He just chuckled and said, "follow me."So we all followed him towards a path within the trees. I took every step with caution knowing that it was sort of steep and slippery. Finally we came out from within the trees and we saw beautiful waters where there was life all around the reef. But we weren't at the right spot just yet. I was carefully walking on the reef and holding onto my dad as tightly as I could because I was afraid of falling. As i was walking, I saw tiny fishes peeing out of holes but swiftly swimming away as we approached, the sea urchins where I didn't go near, and felt the waves slowly rising up as I got closer. Finally! We got there and I remember thinking to myself, "nothing much." But then we started fishing and casting out our poles. That's when I felt a sudden tug on my pole. I was reeling it and reeling it as long as I could! My arms felt like it was going to fall off already, I had no more energy. Then my dad helped me reel in the fish and there it was. I caught a big papio and it shined looking as it the fish were made of tin foil. Soon after we started to catch more and more fish! Everyone screamed out "HANAPA'A!" Eventually we all got tired and had a break. My sister and I were drenched in sweat and all we wanted to do is take a dip into the ocean. My mom had a perfect idea. She took us on the bridge that was about twenty or thirty feet high. My dad took the first jump and boy it looked fun! I was so confident and ready to jump off but when I looked down, I was super nervous and felt the chicken skin on my arms. So my mom placed me on the ledge of the bridge, I closed my eyes and jumped. It was both refreshing and exciting! After I wanted to just keep going and going. Once I jumped in, I ran to the bridge and just kept jumping off again. The day seemed to go by pretty fast, when it was time to go, I didn't want to leave! From this day on, I knew that portlock was a special place. Everyone in my family bonded even more. We were so happy to come back with all those fishes and stories to tell. Every time my dad asks, "where should we go fishing?", I say portlock!
I liked it (: it explains from the beginning to the end. Which will really help the reader follow your thought process. I also liked how you said "All our faces still appeared dead." that is good sensory detail. & your voice definitely shows in this draft! The only thing you could change is in some parts the grammar isn't correct. Other than that, you're all set! GOODLUCK :D
ReplyDeleteThis draft was really good, I could imagine myself in your place. I really liked it when you described the part where you described coming out frm the path and trees and seeing the beach. In "Finally we came out from within the trees and we saw beautiful waters where there was life all around the reef," you used good sensory detail. The only thing I would suggest in improving this is could you change some of the words like "fast" and "happy" to stronger words? This is a good draft. goodluck ~
ReplyDeleteHi Taylor,
ReplyDeleteNice job on your draft. You have organized your narrative and description well so that it flows throughout.
For your revision, besides the mechanics, try to develop the relationship of querencia to identity and sense of self. Have you been going to Portlock for many years? Have you grown up along the way?
I also disagree a bit on the "faces appeared dead." I think there's a better way to describe everyone's sleepiness :)
mrs s
In your essay i liked how your introduction, the way your started was good. "It was five in the morning and I stretched my arms and legs as far as it can go while making a huge yawning noise. As I struggled getting out of bed, I walked into the living room where my mom and dad were getting the fishing poles lined up, making spam musubi's, and packing all our close. Today was going to be the first day I went to portlock." this was a good beginning i liked how you started with a stretch and eating.
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