Monday, September 10, 2012

college essay draft


The UO is interested in learning more about you. Write an essay of 500 words or less that shares information that we cannot find elsewhere on your application. Any topic you choose is welcome. Some ideas you might consider include your future ambitions and goals, a special talent or unusual interest that sets you apart from your peers, or a significant experience that influenced your life. If you are applying to the UO's Robert D. Clark Honors College, feel free to resubmit your honors college application essay.

Being the older sister, it’s my job to be the more responsible one, the more mature one, and the smarter one. In my case, it seems totally opposite. My younger sister Nicole is the golden child from my point of view. This only makes me try harder and persevere more than ever before.
Ever since I was a little, two years old infant, I’d have all the attention on me. What I wanted, I got it. Some would call this being complete spoiling. I was totally fine with it. Not long after, my little sister was born. In the beginning, it seemed like the most exciting thing ever. Having someone to play ball with, having someone to do makeovers with, or even having a new friend. What seemed to be a miraculous dream, all turned out to be a nightmare.
A few years had past and my sister was beginning to walk and speak a bit. From only saying, “mum mum” which meant food, all I’d hear would be “aww, how adorable”. Whether it was my aunties, uncles, or grandparents who came over, my sister always attracted them. She loved having everyone run towards her, grab her, and pick her up while stroking her short, brown hair. I knew this was only because she’s still pretty much a baby. It was fine, I had no jealousy as I understood all this attention would be pointed towards the baby who just started taking a few steps.
When Nicole was in 6th grade while I was in 8th, things definitely changed. She would start doing chores without being told, finishing big projects, and going to school with perfect grades. I’d see her work throughout the whole weekend just doing a couple assignments. Perfectionist is what I call it. Seeing how I didn’t have perfect grades in elementary and looking at my little sisters, I guess you could say I was a bit jealous. That’s because I was in the end of 8th grade where my grades weren’t so bright. I made an accumulative GPA of 3.2. This wasn’t satisfying for me at all.
Eventually, I was a freshman in high school and she became a middle school student. I don’t know why but all my effort weren’t there. Whether it came to playing soccer or doing schoolwork, I was definitely slacking and it showed. This wasn’t my sister’s case. She was getting straight A’s for all quarters while playing intermediate volleyball and club. As the days for report cards came in, I never wanted my parents to see it. Knowing how disappointed they’d be or how irritated they’d be, I was bound to get a lecture. However, Nicole showing her report card to the family is another story. My grandparents give her money and my parents take our whole family out to celebrate in her honor. Honestly, this made me feel unimportant.
Then one day I realized, if I changed the way I looked upon things, I could persevere through it. Instead of giving up on homework and giving half an effort for tests, I needed to be the person who strides for good grades. Having a younger sister who’s academically better than me, only made me want to change that. So now, I’m the girl who’s striding for good grades and who’s trying to be and overall responsible person. There’s no reason for me to take my younger sister likely. Rather than having jealousy, it made me try to exceed a lot more. This rang a bell in my head, “why is my sister achieving more than me?” Instead of having my head down, it’s up. I’m the sister who acts like she cares, who takes the initiative to get better grades, the one who’s not giving up. That’s the way it’s supposed to be, and it’s not changing.
  

5 comments:

  1. TOTZ....

    I didn't know you felt that way about your sister! SO CUTE!!

    I really enjoyed reading your essay of how you became the person you are because of Nicole. It shows UO how you are trying hard in school trying to get good grades and persevering through school. If I were a college administrator for UO I would be very interested in having you at the school, because it shows that you care about your grades, and school. My only advice for you is to re-read your essay and expand on some of your vocabulary. All in all, I feel your essay is very well written out. Good job! :)

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  2. heeeey tay,
    I very much enjoyed your essay:) I really like the idea of how you could choose pretty much anything, but you chose to write about your sister and how she pushes you to be a better person. I really get what you're saying because even though I am the youngest, I feel your pain in what you're saying. Something I think you can improve on is telling how different or how this can separate you from the rest of the college essays that people that might have written the same topic as you. Other than a few changes, I really liked your essay and i can't wait to see the final!

    -Jooooy:)

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  3. You have a really good story. However, your story takes up three paragraphs of your entire essay. You need more personal opinion than story. We want to know more about you, not the story between you and your sister.

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  4. I enjoyed reading your essay because I can relate to your topic. But, i think you can tweak it up a little bit so that there is more info about you and not the situation between you and your sister. Keep up the good work. :)

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  5. I like how your brutally honest (which actually made you look bad at first). But then you showed your new outlook on things (shows how you are now ad the obstacles you faced to become that way). The only thing that needs to be changed is what Mr.Z said. And maybe a little tense shift as well. Cool beans!

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