Saturday, August 11, 2012

Coming of Age: Draft


            Today, people now know me as the girl who’s outgoing and fun to be around. Where as in the past, I would always clutch tightly clutch onto my mother’s hand, trying to hide behind her.  This all changed when I was part of a soccer team. Soccer changed the way I associate with others today. It changed my life forever and showed that I grew more mature.
            I walked onto a soccer field for the first time in my life not knowing how to play or what to do.  Everyday for the first couple weeks of practice, I would always complain to my mom about how I hate the sport. She didn’t bother listening to my comments because for some reason, she absolutely knew that I would come to love this sport, and she was right. For that Saturday when we played our first game, some thing magical happened. The girl who had no idea how to play was starting to dribble past all the approaching defenders and score the first goal for the Pink Butterflies! That wasn’t the end, after I was dribbling up and down the line as if I were training for the Olympics. I could hear the roaring sounds of the parents cheering on the sidelines supporting our team through the whole game. Then suddenly I hear my soccer team running up to talk to me. I made a bunch of new friends and got along with all of them, something I wouldn’t expect. This glorious day will always be with me because it made me realize, soccer is the sport for me.
            By the time I was in fifth grade, my coach decided that it was time for me to join club soccer. At first, I was timid about it and thought of it as too competitive, but my parents and I exchanged some looks and realized, competition is exactly what I need. In that instant, soccer was what I did just about everyday. As my dad parked his truck on my first day practicing, I took one big leap out. Drastically gripping the handles of my bag, I start making my way to the practice field where I saw my coach and team. This first day of practice wasn’t the greatest. It’s a hundred times more intense then any A.Y.S.O. practice I’ve ever been to. We started off with simple warm ups which lead to scrimmaging. Just about everything I did on the field was criticized by the coach, whether I passed it, kicked it, or shot it.  With a few more weeks of training, I started getting a whole lot better. Making new friends was starting to get easier, and easier. Soon enough, I wasn’t known as the quietest girl on the team.
            Finally, high schools just around the corner. To best prepare me for high school season soccer, I joined summer league for Moanalua. Luckily I had my friends join with me. When we played our first game, I thought of as just another simple game, but I was wrong. When I saw how the upper classmen play, I knew I had to step up my game. Those girls were fearless as they passed the ball side to side around everyone like it was a game of pinball and knocked down whoever got in there way. This made me want to practice and train even harder. The day of soccer tryouts came and I put my whole heart into it. They announced that I made the junior varsity team, I was ecstatic! Seeing the girls who were on my team was a little intimidating, but it didn’t bother me. After getting used to my high school team, I wanted to show the coach that I had what it took to be one of the leaders. Shoving the other team as I got the ball, cutting the ball side to side, passing the ball with lightning pace, I knew I was making an impression. Then suddenly, my voice somehow found a way out of my body. I was actually communicating on the field. “Drop back! Man on”, I was starting to become a real soccer player. By doing this, my coaches’ saw that I had true potential. From that day on, I’ve been starting every game for High School and I train everyday with an even greater passion.
            True, when I was younger I was so shy that people didn’t even know my voice. Now, that’s the past. Soccer has leaded me to be the person I am today. Today, I can’t even remember my life without soccer. I may not be a complete social butterfly yet, but at least I’ve gotten better. That’s when I knew, soccer was my coming of age.

3 comments:

  1. Totz!
    I reaaaaaaally like your essay(: After reading it I realize that you actually have changed. Since I met you when we were in...sixth grade, you have become more of an outgoing person, but I didn't know soccer had anything to do with that until now.
    Your story was well told, and I can clearly see the different topics separated by paragraphs. Also, I really like your ending, " I may not be a complete social butterfly yet, but at least I’ve gotten better. That’s when I knew, soccer was my coming of age."
    Something I think you can work on in your essay is the way you word certain things such as at the end of the first paragraph, "It changed my life forever and showed that I grew more mature."
    Other than that, I really enjoyed reading your essay & I can't wait to read the final!

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  2. Good essay taylor. Haha, it's so cute that your first team was named "Pink butterflies". For the most part, your writing perfectly expresses your own voices in an appropriate word choice, and the reader can really tell what kind of person you are through reading this essay. LIke joy said, I also agree on the "social butterfly" line being on point. "Shoving the other team as I got the ball, cutting the ball side to side, passing the ball with lightning pace," was also a very good descriptive line.
    There's just a few grammatical errors to correct which I'm sure are probably just overlooked things. But overall, this essay has really good potential. Good job :3

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  3. Good description and high use of sensory detail however you really need to read over your essay and pay attention to tense shift issues. For example, "As my dad parked his truck on my first day practicing," parked is past tense, practicing is present tense and should be changed to ...parked his truck on my first day of practice.... Also, your conclusion contains errors and it is confusing because you start with the word TRUE. Please re-read aloud and fix all simple errors.

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